Epithets! Phrases used to describe someone, rather than using their name, like "the tall man", "her girlfriend", "his lover". In general, the advice is to avoid them, and if I hit a story with a ton of epithets (often an older one from the earlier days of fandom) it does make me wince to read them.

I've seen some good explanations about how to use, and how to avoid, epithets, and this recent tumblr post by starpains about epithets in tight 3rd person is useful, as it explains why epithets are often jarring for the reader, especially in tight 3rd person POV. It's because we're supposed to be inside the POV character's head, so the writing needs to depict what they're thinking. And hopefully very few people go about thinking of their significant others like this: "she felt a flood of affection for her partner". No, they think: "she felt a flood of affection for Tony".

Writers may use epithets as they worry about the frequent use of a name, in the way that we generally try not to repeat words too much, but the advice is that readers don't notice names even if they're used repeatedly. I agree - I don't find repeated names jarring in the way that inappropriate epithets are. Again, it all comes down to how the POV character thinks. They'll be repeatedly thinking of the person's name, so it feels natural when written that way. For example:

"John watched Rodney pace to and fro. Rodney's hair was sticking straight up where he'd run his hands through it in frustration. Finally, Rodney stopped dead and turned back to John."

rather than

"John watched his lover pace to and fro. The other man's hair was sticking straight up where he'd run his hands through it in frustration. Finally, his friend stopped dead and turned back to John." John simply wouldn't think about Rodney like that.

Of course there are some places where the use of epithets is what's needed. If your POV character doesn't know the other person's name, or not well enough to think of them using their name, then an epithet works.

"The strangers stood threateningly in the roadway. John singled out the tall, scarred man who seemed to be their leader." John doesn't know his name so doesn't think of him with a name.

or

"The butler announced Brandon Fenwick, the new Canadian ambassador. Fraser took the ambassador's coat and ushered him into the reception room." Fraser is aware of Fenwick's name, but doesn't feel himself on equal terms, so thinks of the ambassador deferentially by his title (epithet) rather than as "Brandon Fenwick" or as "Fenwick". However, if the scene turned into a siege with Fraser and Fenwick trapped in the consulate, fighting side by side, Fraser would after a while start thinking of him as "Fenwick" (probably after Fenwick exasperatedly told him to use his actual name), and eventually as "Brandon" (when Fenwick had been shot and Fraser was bandaging his wound and reassuring him).

So epithets can be used, like names, to show degrees of intimacy. I run into this quite a bit as my main fandom has a military contingent, and the convention is to use titles in formal settings, surnames in most professional settings, and first names only if the two people are actually friends, lovers, or intimate e.g. as in the example above, if wounded and being tended. And as starpains describes, you can use epithets to deliberately distance your POV character from someone else - as long as it makes sense that that's how they'd think of them. I also once had fun with the vagaries of the Stargate translation function, imagining a situation where only the use of epithets was possible.

Interestingly, the other reason to use an epithet is in very intimate relationships where the role is all important. There have been fashions in the use of names vs epithets/titles for parents across the years, but mostly the role is so important that we think of our parents by their role, not their name. "John sat on his mother's bed, trying not to see how thin and frail she was." He knows her name is Catherine but he never thinks of her as "Catherine", just as "my mother" or "Mom". In the sixties and later, parents sometimes got their kids to use their first names, maybe in a gesture of egalitarianism to get away from "patriarchal roles". It creates an intimacy and informality in the way a child addresses their parent which may feel jarring, transgressive, or "right on", depending on your attitudes. What matters is the attitudes of your characters, of course. They might find it entirely natural, or also be uncomfortable with it. In The Sentinel, Blair's rather feckless mother taught him as a child to use her name, which he still does, partly as she remains somewhat immature and he was parentified as a kid. So the use of names vs epithets can convey subtleties of meaning in close relationships. Like the formality of a boy calling his father "sir" and thinking of him as "my father", rather than "Dad", can show a distant relationship, especially if set in modern times.

How about you? How do you use epithets vs names in your writing, especially in tight 3rd POV?